Playing Fools (or, the Servant's Servant)
by Cececat
Summary: One night a rather naive wannabe-writer ends up at a castle that looks like the cover of a gothic novel. She ends up as a servant to the castle's servants, hoping to get some inspiration from observing these odd people. She acts a bit childlike so they won't take her seriously. And then she realizes she's not the only one playing the fool... (Please Read/Review!)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N: Another weird story has begun. Oh the horror. At least it's better than the one with the Nazis. Claudia Jacques is named after the Roman emperor Claudius and Jacques from _As You Like It._**

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Like any stereotypical 'Igor' character, Riff Raff liked dark and stormy nights. As did most in the Gothic castle he lived in. Even that squeaky little Earthling Columbia had begun to see storms as a good thing. The Master was calmed by the sound of thunder, so his behavior was less dangerous when it stormed.

As one might expect from such a story, odd things always happened on those sorts of nights. And not just the Denton Affair! Eddie delivered pizza the last time on a night like this, when. Not to mention Claudia appeared on a similarly gloomy evening.

Wait, you haven't heard of Claudia? It's a good story and perhaps you should…

For the first 17 years of Claudia Jacques life she lived in a house with her parents – they were dull people, you know – and her highly intelligent younger brother. He was considered something of a genius. Later he got involved in the stock market (1980s) and early home computers (1990s), eventually becoming very rich and Scrooge-like. Claudia never liked him.

Though she wasn't pretty and didn't really have much common sense, Claudia could in the very least write. That was what she did. _All_ she did. Most of it was useless nonsense about characters from _Star Trek_. Though one day she planned to be a freelance writer living in the city.

On her 18th birthday she knew it was finally legal to leave home. Yes, many younger teenagers could get away with running off to hippie communes in those days. But Claudia was very keen on rules. Her childhood was too lawless and she despised it. So she waited until her birthday.

Though she wasn't sure where she'd go she knew she needed to leave. There were mistakes she – and others – made, mistakes that needed to be forgotten.

So she got on a bus and left her hometown. It was in Connecticut, that town was.

Eventually she made it to Denton, Ohio. There wasn't any sane reason for this. She'd just gotten on random buses and traveled.

Being the childish daydreamer she was, it didn't occur to Claudia that she'd need to find a place to stay that night until she'd ended up in Denton and realized there wouldn't be any more buses before morning. So she wandered around town for a while. After a day of freedom – which was lovely – now she'd pay the cost. Now her lack of a long-term plan had caught up with her.

"Fool," she muttered to herself.

It began to rain then. Since her birthday was in August she wasn't wearing a coat. This made her even angrier at herself and the universe in general. She sat there thinking all sorts of horrid things and wishing she could write something. Since she only used pen when writing, this wouldn't work. And now she could hear thunder. It was evening and all shops had closed…

Then she saw the pick up truck. A man who looked like something out of a cliché horror b-picture drove it. His unusual appearance nearly made Claudia laugh.

Almost to her surprise he suddenly stopped the car.

"Do you need a ride?" he asked.

"Need a life, more like," she muttered darkly.

"What?"

"I need a place to stay!"

This made him smile. "I know just where to bring you, then. Hop in."

And so, stupid as it was, Claudia got into the passenger side of the car. As the man began driving again she noticed how strange the place was. It reeked of something she feared was rotting flesh and there were bottles of something glowy stashed beneath the seat. Claudia feared that whatever that was might be radioactive.

Though, since it wasn't right to be rude, she didn't mention any of that. If she had maybe he would've thrown her out of the car. Then she'd be back in the rain.

Soon enough they reached a looming castle. It looked like something out of one of Claudia's favorite gothic novels, to her amusement. Fancy finding such a thing in _Ohio_!

One thing Claudia knew was that odd events and unusual people were great inspirations for stories. The main reason for following that creepy man through the castle's servant's entrance – besides the obvious need to get out of the storm – was the hope she'd get some story ideas out of it. Of course, she got far more than that…

The first room he showed her into was dark. Very dark. Thankfully, he soon struck a match and lit a candle. Once her eyes adjusted to the dimly-lit place Claudia was amused to see it looked like a perfectly ordinary kitchen. There were cabinets and a modern sink. Nothing like the gloomy, gothic sitting room she'd expected.

"Where should I put my suitcase now?" she asked.

He laughed a very strange laugh. "Nowhere, yet. I've got to go ask my sister if she thinks you're pretty enough."

"Pretty?" Claudia repeated nervously.

"Nice-looking, attractive."

They both stared at each other in silence. Then, a young woman with messy red hair and fair skin entered the room, carrying a candle. She wore a dark dress that looked rather like a maid's uniform.

"Vhat's this?" she asked, pointing to Claudia.

"Oh, just something I found after I'd gone grocery shopping. I thought the Master might give us a break if we found him a present. That's what happened with Columbia, don't you remember?"

"Vhy, yes. Zough zis Earthling isn't nice-looking enough," the woman replied.

Claudia wasn't sure what to think of this conversation. It was very rude. Then again, it was her own fault she'd ended up here with crazy people. The woman was especially odd, with her accent. It was as if she couldn't decide whether to be German, British, or American!

"You don't think she's pretty enough? She's less thin than Columbia, yes. Like you, darling, she's sort of not-thin in a good way."

"Yes, but look at her face! It's very plain. Not to mention her dull brown hair is too dark to dye. Ze Master von't be pleased if ve give her to him. If anything, he'll be annoyed."

"I don't mean to be rude, but would you _please_ tell me what's going on?" Claudia asked rudely.

"My sister and I are debating whether or not we should give you to the Master as a gift. Such a thing usually earns us some free time."

"If you want free time, why not hire an assistant?" Claudia asked.

The woman laughed. "Who would be stupid enough to work here?"

"I would."

In Claudia's mind, this new employment opportunity would give her some great ideas for a novel. Since she assumed 'the Master' to be a brooding man in an expensive suit she thought he'd be a good person to base a romantic lead of off. This would've made anybody who knew 'the Master' laugh.

Magenta – the woman, as I'm sure you know – had come to the conclusion that this person was very stupid. This she saw as a positive attribute because idiots are easy to order around.

All that Riff Raff could think was that now his work would surely be easier.

It was a win-win solution… or so each separate person thought.

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 **Please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

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 **A/N: Hopefully this is in-character...**

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After this strange introduction, Magenta led Claudia into another room. It was a bedroom of some kind and very plain. Just a bed and a dresser. On the dresser sat a picture of a regal woman who reminded Claudia of Queen Victoria.

"Tomorrow, I'll wake you up in time to cook breakfast. Sleep for now," Magenta said.

Before Claudia could even _think_ of something to say the woman had left her. The room suddenly felt cold and even lonelier.

As she lay down on the bed, still dressed, Claudia began to worry. It was a bit creepy there in that room. And these people… were they trustable? They looked like members of the Addams family. The redheaded one was quite pretty though the man – her brother? – seemed a bit too shady. He drove a truck that smelled like death; of _course_ he was quite creepy!

Claudia didn't really sleep that night. The place was quite creepy, and she had the impression that the lady in the picture was watching her. So she just stared at the ceiling and. She half believed somebody might come into her room and tragically steal her precious innocence. This was especially amusing of her to think because that often happened in guest rooms. Since this wasn't a guess room, and the Master was busy with his groupie Columbia, Claudia was perfectly safe. Though she didn't know it.

So she nearly panicked when, the next morning, Magenta opened the door without knocking.

"You're avake already."

"Yes. Yes, I am..." Claudia muttered.

"Well, get dressed," Magenta said cheerfully.

After looking through her suitcase Claudia found a nice dress to wear. It was only after she'd partially undressed that she realized that the other woman hadn't left the room. She was staring at her with an expression of disapproval upon her face.

"What are you doing?" Claudia asked.

"Staring at you. Why?"

"Are you crazy?"

"Are _you_ crazy? It's my house – _practically_ , I'm the one cleaning it all – so I should be allowed to stare at people who're here. Why can't I?"

Claudia didn't have an answer to that. All she knew was that this very strange household would make a good story. So she finished getting dressed, not wanting to annoy this insane potential character.

"Good! Now, come along, it's time for us to cook something."

So, Claudia followed Magenta down the hallway. She noticed a few pictures – including one of that regal lady – hung on the wall and a variety of strange _things_. There was a clock that had a raccoon instead of a cuckoo-bird; a small statue; a variety of taxidermy animals; a dead vulture…

It was the strangest house!

Soon enough they'd ended up in a kitchen. Though this was a different kitchen than the one Claudia saw last night. For one thing, it was much bigger. There was also a gaping, unlit fireplace with a cooking-pot hanging in it. The walls were papered with a weirdly dark floral pattern, the floors made of heavy stone. Next to the sink was a picture of the regal lady again. This time a few other people surrounded her.

The place was very unusual… to say the _least_.

"Who's that?" Claudia asked, pointing to the picture.

Magenta smiled. "That's the Imperial family. Imperator Richard Brienillus Augustus is the tall bald one in the back. The woman – the older one, not the girl – is Quintina Patricia Augusta. The girl and the boy in the front are Laurilla and Timon Tiberius Augustus. None of them are actually related so the word 'family' is a joke. Timon Tiberius was adopted so there'd be an heir and his name was Timon Tiberius Currian. Laurilla – that's diminutive of Laura, and a nickname – was a busker working outside the palace that the others took a liking to. I used to work for them, you know. I still do technically. That's how I know all the trivia."

After standing there in silence for a moment Claudia decided not to understand what Magenta was talking about. She was too tired to handle any more of this strangeness.

So, she silently helped Magenta prepare breakfast. Though Claudia didn't do much besides really obvious things. Because she was so tired Magenta had to explain things more than once.

"What a child you are!" Magenta proclaimed, at one point.

"I'm no child. How old do I look?"

Magenta paused, then answered: "Fourteen. It's a very good thing my brother didn't give you to the Master. He doesn't like children."

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It was later that afternoon that Claudia first ran into the Master. At the time she's been sent to clean the library. Alas, it was just then that he chose to be reading there.

Before this point in time Claudia thought he was some sort of middle-aged man with more money than sense. The sort of person lounging around in a Victorian suit drinking expensive tea.

He _did_ drink tea, at least. Though he wore a corset that was far from Victorian, a leather jacket, and a mini skirt. There were also fishnets and heels. That – plus the makeup – unnerved Claudia slightly.

"Hello, Doll," he said. "Care to come by my room later?"

Pretending to not know what he meant seemed the simplest thing. So, that's what she did.

"Sir? Didn't I already clean your room?"

"Yes, but that's not what I meant," he said.

It was then that she realized he wasn't really reading. No, just flipping through a book of antique pornography. Really dirty drawings from the 18th century. That was something Claudia _never_ needed to see.

At this point she decided it was best to leave the room for a while. Something about him frightened her. Was it the sense of fashion? Perhaps. Whatever it was, it made Claudia not dust that room. Since she was awful at cleaning anyway it didn't really matter.

She sort of ran away from the library, eager to get away from that drag-wearing fiend. As a writer she liked exaggerating when telling stories to make things more interesting. She never meant to _lie_ , it just sort of slipped out like that. Though for once no embellishing would be required to make a character more colorful. No, after a brief exchange with him that he was very colorful anyway…

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 **The thing with the 'Roman-ified names' of RHPS people being the Imperial Family is pretty much only there because I wanted to use the 'titles'/names I'd invented for certain actors in a story. I get so bored sometimes.**

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 **Please Review! (The story, not the weird rant)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N:** **A/N: Thanks for reviewing, FireandBloodandKittens!**

 **The manipulative antihero (Claudia) is looking like a Mary Sue. Sorry, I'll try to fix that. Hopefully everyone's in character, especially the aliens. Columbia is so much easier to write!**

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That evening Claudia ended up meeting the last two members of the household.

Soon before dinner – while dusting the foyer – she ran into a very thin girl with short pink hair and no eyebrows. Well, _technically_ she had eyebrows… but they were drawn on. This was rather startling. As was her glittery sense of fashion, especially that top hat she wore. It nearly gave Claudia a headache.

"Hello! My name is Columbia," the girl said.

Her voice was accented somewhat. Claudia decided it sounded like a foreign exchange student she'd gone to school with once. Though this 'Columbia' had a squeakier voice than the Australian Claudia went to school with. Then again, that student was a guy.

"What's your job here?" Claudia asked, making her voice slightly high pitched in the hope of sounding childlike.

"Frankie's Groupie."

Claudia knew what a groupie was. Well, she _thought_ she did. To her it was a screaming, slobbering Beatles fangirl. She didn't know that the word had any sexual connotations. The poor girl was far more innocent than she thought!

"What're you doing here?" Columbia asked.

" _They_ hired me so that they could have more freetime. I've got to do much of her cleaning now, Miss. In exchange I get food and a place to sleep."

"That's nice," Columbia said, patting the girl on the head.

To Columbia, this new addition to the household was like a pet. Someone even lowlier than the groupie. Like a little scullery maid, as seen in old-fashioned stories, whose existence makes other servants feel good about themselves. Though Columbia planned to treat this girl like a pet. She'd be something to look after. Columbia liked the idea, especially since it made her feel normal. If Columbia hadn't been living where she was... well, at 23 she would've been married and everything. After _just_ meeting this innocent child (well, young woman who appeared to be an innocent child) Columbia was already plotting out all sorts of things...

"Do you cook, too?" Columbia asked.

"If you tell me how."

Columbia giggled. "What a funny kid you are! What do you do when you aren't cooking and cleaning for aliens?"

"Not much," Claudia replied quietly.

Any more questions would surely result in too many secrets spilled. Such as her age, perhaps, and how she'd ended up at the castle. So Claudia slowly wandered off just then, leaving Columbia rather confused. There wasn't really anything left to dust at that point. Anyway, things looked more theatrical this way. It looked much more 'Addams Family-like.

After leaving the foyer she went to the kitchen again. There was already something being cooked, so she found her way there by the smell.

Magenta stood by the stove, stirring some sort of stew. It smelled good. Though Claudia couldn't help but worry about what was in it. Aliens often had unusual tastes – in movies, at least.

Only moments after Claudia entered the kitchen, Magenta noticed her.

"Hello, again. I don't trust you with this soup or anything too important. Though I vill have you make biscuits."

And so, Claudia made biscuits. They were lopsided and burned and tasted rather unpleasant. Though Magenta didn't seem to mind. As usual she was weirdly cheerful, which wasn't a good thing. It was creepy somehow.

"You'll learn, I'm sure," Magenta said, with a sigh. "Though for now I'll still bring them to dinner. We haven't time to cook anything else, and they can't be that bad!"

Claudia nodded. At least she hadn't been scolded, which she sort of deserved.

So... everything was carried to the dining room. That meant the soup, the biscuits, and something sort of alien that was probably a vegetable. Indeed, it was a sort of squash native to Transsexual Transylvania. No Earth-squash was naturally that radioactive-blue color.

After setting the food down on the table the servants (including Claudia) sat down. The Master, Columbia, and a random '50s greaser were already seated. Claudia hadn't yet met the greaser – Eddie – so she was somewhat surprised by his presence. Columbia noticed her staring.

"This is Eddie, sweetie," the groupie explained.

Then, without further conversation, they began to eat. It seemed that nobody liked talking at dinner. Riff spent most of the time glaring at everyone else – especially the Master – and not eating much. Eddie seemed sort of out of it, as if he wasn't sober or had hit his head. Columbia stared at her plate and looked sort of nervous (she didn't like not being able to talk). Magenta just smiled weirdly at everyone, as seemed her custom. The Master had apparently forgotten everyone else existed.

Then, he tried eating one of the biscuits. As one might expect, he was even _less_ pleased than an unhappy-looking picture of Queen Victoria...

Before the shouting could start, Claudia left the table. She was already uncomfortable being around the Master anyway. If he were angry with her things would only be worse. What a coward she was! Somebody with a sense of dignity would be able, though not Claudia. The girl who hides and lies to get her way. That is far from honorable.

Like her namesake, the emperor Claudius, she pretended to be far more harmless than she was. Acting as a fool made things simpler. If nobody takes you seriously than they'll ignore you. Giving you simple tasks – work fit for a half-wit – or perhaps even nothing. When you're ignored or dismissed as a fool then you've got a much easier life. Though that's quite dishonest. Claudia thought it was fine since she was doing it for a noble cause – to help her write a book. Though is that even a noble cause?

After returning to her room – quite quickly, mind you – she found that picture again. The regal looking lady, Quintina Patricia Augusta, stared back at her through the glass. It was strangely comforting, that picture. As if it were the only sane person – besides Claudia – in this odd house.

Though there were other sane people. Claudia really _was_ a fool, thinking that she was the only person faking her oddness. But who? _Who_ was more competent than they looked?

The dull Igor? The cheerful maid with her head in the clouds? The crazy crossdresser? The groupie dreaming of a normal life? The stoned greaser?

You'll see later, dear reader.

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The next day, Claudia awoke to find she'd worn the previous day's clothes to bed (again)… and that somebody had brought her some new clothes to wear. They sat in a pile on the dresser. She began to sort through them and found that many were nicer than what she'd brought with her.

Whoever it was, they were being sweet. Claudia made a mental note to ask everyone about it… then forgot about said 'note' for no reason.

Since nobody had come to wake her up – _and_ the clock claimed that it was only 5AM – Claudia decided to write in her diary before getting dressed. Well, it wasn't really a diary. More like a book of story ideas. And poetry, sometimes. It was where she stored all the ideas she picked up. Here's what she wrote:

 _" Master" of the house wears woman's clothing. Also a bit of a creep, hits on me. 'Reads' antique porn. Magenta the domestic bosses me around, good at cooking. Looks like a witch. Also, a bit loony and (?) on drugs. Riff Raff looks sorta sickly/sallow, doesn't eat much. Eddie is a stoned-seeming greaser-delinquent. Columbia is a super-hyper groupie who thinks I'm cute. They live in a castle that belongs in Styria or Transylvania or Scotland. The Master hates me now, because I burned part of dinner. Last night we also had some radioactive-looking squash._

Then, as something of an after thought, she added:

 _RIRELBAR FRRZF FGHCVQ BE PENML. FBEGN SERNXL. QVGML ORAGYRF SNATVEY AVPE. V ZHFG SVTHER BHG JUB ERYNGRQ JUB/UBJ_.

Smiling brightly to herself she then closed the book and got out of bed. She then donned some of her new clothes. That included a pretty dress that looked rather 1950s – vintage was stylish at the time – and a silk scarf. With that she wore a pair of her old stockings.

For a while she sat in her room. There, she read a bit of one of her favorite books ( _Great Expectations_ ). Then she began mentally comparing characters to people she'd recently met. Frank could be a foil to Miss Havisham, for one thing. They were both eccentric, rich weirdos. Yet Frank was eccentric at least in part because of his overly-dirty mind and tendency to flirt with people. Miss Havisham feared such things, sort of. She never married since she'd been left at the altar. Given the time period she hadn't even done anything. Then there was the fact that he was very keen on fashion and she'd constantly worn the same dress for years out of sorrow…

After pondering all that for a while, Claudia went downstairs to the kitchen.

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 **Please Review!**

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 **Note to specific person who _might_ be reading this: ** So, a few friends of mine were at a photo-taking RHPS thing last weekend and the separately ran into the same person. They told her about my stories, and she seemed interested in reading them. "Oh how extraordinary," she apparently said. If that person is reading this I'd like to know what they think of it. Please send something to my gmail email: Sciencefictioncat

I really want to know what she thinks, if she did read it. Though she should tell me something about conversations she had (with one of the two friends who spoke to her about fanfics) so I know it's really her. I hope she reads this. I always want to know what people think of my stories! (Usually via reviews, though)


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: as usual, I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

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 **A/N: This story is a bit out of character, isn't it? Though the thing about Rocky Horror is that we know so little from the film that everyone/everything can be interpreted in a variety of ways.**

 **Also, Claudia will become something of a 'tragic hero'. Since she's a conman of sorts (though she doesn't see it like that, since her trickery isn't technically causing harm) she isn't a good person. Few characters in this is are truly good, come to think of it. Her behavior will become increasingly immoral as the story goes on. Then, her fatal flaw - that she can get away with anything via "acting" - will doom her. Though she won't die or anything. It'll be happier than _that_. **

**The previous paragraph was less of a spoiler and more of a description of the genre.**

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When Claudia got to the kitchen, she heard a hushed conversation inside. Suddenly glad that she wasn't wearing noisy shoes (or any shoes) she tiptoed closer to the door. Then, she carefully put her ear against it.

 _Now_ she could hear the conversation! It was being held between a man and a woman – though she wasn't sure which man and woman. The latter's voice was somewhat deep and reminded Claudia of some sort of old-time femme fatale movie star. After a moment, she realized it was probably Magenta. In the very least it _sounded_ her imitating someone older.

" _Sir, I don't think I can do that. It would be indeed quite difficult, surely you know, with all the security that-"_

" _Find a way, girl. Preferably by… October,"_ replied the unfamiliar male voice.

" _Fine_!"

Then a door was violently slammed (or so it seemed). As if in pain, Magenta then shrieked. A moment later Claudia heard sobbing sounds… and agitated muttering, barely audible. The sort of furious, under-your-breath words spoken in a fit of rage.

Slowly, Claudia opened the door and saw Magenta pacing 'round the room looking very upset about _something_. Claudia caught fragments of what the redhead was saying.

" _…already poor as… cheating us… the money_ now!"

And then Magenta saw Claudia standing in the doorway. She stalked towards the girl, hands on her hips. Never had Claudia seen her like this. So very controlling, so _dominant_. And also regal, like the lady in the pictures.

"What is it you want? How much did you hear?" the woman growled.

"I just wanted to help make breakfast," Claudia said softly, staring at the floor.

She was attempting to put on a 'wide-eyed innocent' persona. Her posture was a bit sloppy and meant to look sort of pathetic, as if she were just the _victim_. The (faked) expression on her face was a somewhat nervous one. This was in the hope of appearing non-threatening. Like some sort of bystander who'd been there totally by accident and was frightened by Magenta's manner! It worked to some degree. In the very least, Magenta calmed down slightly. She'd lapsed back into that head-in-the-clouds person who seemed slightly motherly at times.

"Well, then! Let's make breakfast."

Without further ado the two of them made waffles (wonderfully made by Magenta) and scrambled eggs (undercooked by Claudia). This was a nice little breakfast that the rest of the household enjoyed. Though Claudia didn't get to see this, due to the fact she'd been banned from the table. Frank didn't want to see her face again after realizing how wretched her cooking was. And he thought her somewhat ugly (not to mention her childish figure), so had no real interest in her.

After she'd eaten leftovers from breakfast Claudia was given a list of Magenta chores for her to do. Again, it was mostly dusting the house and other 'mindless' work. So she planned to think while going around the house and doing everything she was supposed to. For one thing, she needed a plan. So far everything had worked well enough. She was getting all sorts of ideas for her stories! Now she needed to figure out what to do next. This didn't mean leave. No, she hoped to stay here for a little while even after she'd written her first novel.

It meant she got free food and at least one place to sleep (the castle had hundreds of rooms, Claudia could've sworn it was bigger on the inside). That's useful indeed. Not to mention all the exploring of this place she could do when not working. Plus the secrets – figuring out secrets from little information was fun. Nobody back home had any dark secrets – it was ever so dull – and Claudia _adored_ the idea of being surrounded by little mysteries. For one thing, the conversation between Magenta and the unknown man. Claudia had found a door that must've been the one slammed. Though she was too afraid to open it. Who knows if the man was still right on the other side? Not to mention the smear of blood on the door from when Magenta had slammed/punched it.

But, if she stayed forever, would she have to keep behaving like a sweet little girl? That would get annoying, she _knew_. Even with all the story-fodder surrounding her maybe it wasn't worth it! So she decided that she needed to find someone in the house to trust. Someone to tell her own secret to. Such a thing would take much effort, of course.

Much more effort than she thought...

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 **Please Review!**


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